Secret Stories: The Day I Ripped My Pants


I maneuver the weight of the cooler enough to put my knee underneath just long enough to get a better grip on it, and then I begin to walk the 500 feet or so to the buffet tables where the beverages would be served.

Every step felt like torture.  After 100 or so steps, my arms begin to shake, and about half way there, my legs began to shake uncontrollably.

“I’m not going to make it.”  I thought to myself.

I ran the worst case scenarios through my head with every step closer to the table.  What would I do if I dropped it?  What would I do if I lost all the ice for the party?  What if I drop on someone as I walk by the tables?  “Oh, this is going to be awful.”  I thought to myself.  If I had only known that reality was about to tell a much crueler tale.

After what felt like an eternity, I made it to the table.  My arms and legs were jello. My back was hurting immensely.  To keep myself from injury – I began to devise a plan of how I would sit this cooler down.

At the time, I had done some reading on how using your legs to squat heavy weight – rather than using your back and arms – allowed you to have more control over what you were lifting.  Thinking of how to sit this cooler down, I decided I would try to use my legs.

“I can’t believe you carried that thing all the way over here, Ben.”  The host said. “That’s amazing.  You can just sit it by the buffet table.”

With that – I made my way to the table and sought to use my legs to squat the cooler onto the ground.

Standing beside the table – I shimmied the cooler up on to my knees.  I planted my left foot far to the left then planted my right foot far to the right. I could feel the relief in my back already.

“I’ll just slowly squat down with the cooler and then slide it off my knees onto the ground.”  I thought to myself.

With great caution – I began to squat down.

With every inch I got closer to the ground – but with every inch, I shook more and more.

I am just a few inches away from being able to release this beast of a cooler. I just need to spread out my legs a bit more, then the cooler will slide peacefully off my knees and onto the ground.

It was at this moment that I finished my squat completely.  The cooler comes rushing off my knees and falls safely to the ground….

…..but the noise of the cooler falling to the ground was accompanied by a horrifying sound, as well as an unexpected cool breeze.

The crotch of my pants was completely ripped open.

Oh this was bad, very bad, indeed.

I feel your pain SpongeBob.(Phote Credit: Nickelodeon)

I feel your pain SpongeBob.
(Phote Credit: Nickelodeon)

What made this matter far worse was that earlier in the day – I had decided to wear this suit that was just a bit too tight in the waste. When you’re wearing pants tight in the waste – you want to have every millimeter extra in your waste to make them fit better.

So to give myself that extra millimeter, I had decided to forego wearing underwear.

Yes.  My pants are completely ripped open, and this just became the absolute worst day of my life.

“You okay?” I heard Amanda’s mom say to me.  She hadn’t heard the rip.

“I’m fine!”  I respond while keeping my head down.  “Boy, it is hot out here, isn’t it?”  I say about to justify my next action.  “It is far too hot for all these formalities!” I quickly loosen my tie and untuck my shirt, hoping to shield myself.

She laughed and began to talk to someone beside of her.  “Thank God!” I think to myself.

I literally sprint back to the table and try to figure out my next move.

I would have given anything to rethink my decision to go sans Hanes.  That’s often how it always is – isn’t it?  You make a decision to make your life more comfortable – and you think no one will notice.  The only trouble is that much of what we wish to keep quiet often finds a way of being made public.


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One thought on “Secret Stories: The Day I Ripped My Pants

  1. Pingback: Secret Stories Part 1: The Day I Ripped My Pants |

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